My last post was about attitude and making the best out of the situations which may fall into our laps. However, I can't help but feel hurt, anger, bitterness and sadness, especially during the month of May. It is such a hard month for me, I think because it is the month that represents Mothers.
I have so many emotions surrounding my mother, mostly negative ones, that I am trying hard to work through. Sometimes, it is so difficult, especially when speaking to a mutual friend or running into somebody I haven't seen in a long time and having them ask about her. I just want to scream! I want to say "she gave up her mother card(as Dr. Laura would put it) a long time ago!" I know people have the best intentions but it is so frustrating!
I am finally getting to the point where I can just move on with my life and I try to focus on the good parts, past and present. I have also started reading the scriptures and turning to God a bit more, I am taking baby steps because I know it will take time and if I jump in with both feet, as I have done before, I will not get anywhere. I still have anger and frustration directed towards God but I am coming to understand things a little better and those negative feelings are starting to disappear. Again, it all comes down to attitude and choice. :D
I am SO grateful for Nate's wisdom and support in all of this! Maybe time really does heal all wounds, I suppose I will find out.
May is a struggle for me, as well. I always avoid church on Mother's Day, because I feel so inadequate.
ReplyDeleteI have conflicting feelings about my Mom as well, and now she has passed away, and I feel void and empty. I miss her, but I think mostly I miss what I wanted and always hoped she would be, to me. (If that makes no sense, I wouldn't be surprised)
I try to focus on beautiful things, the flowers and sunshine.
And that works, a bit. However, not too mcuh.
May is also a season of change. School gets out, and the summer looms on the horizon. I don't deal well with change.
I often wonder why everyone is in such a hurry to go places. I just want everything to stay the same.
I hope you can have a good month and that the things on your mind will find a place to settle.
You have such a beautiful family! You can so tell, by the things you say, that you are LOVED!
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you mean by missing what you wanted and wished could be. Thank you for helping me realize that I am loved. I need that so much at times. I also hope that your month goes well and that you can focus on the good things that come from change :D